when you sit still enough

no when you sit still

so still that all the buzzing stops

the heat turns off

you float with other things that have been turned off

heaters

mainly

objects are just surfaces

part of the landscape 

that were heated and are heated

by people

before the disappearance

before any floating

before things were really still

quiet like they’d never heard noise

a quiet that doesn’t know noise

in sleep dreams are that much closer to real

life is still

but stopped

a whirring that was previously whirring until silence

it disappeared

felt mildly interested in finding a pencil and annotating while reading. feelings of laziness/cold over-rided this.

fell asleep mid-way chap 1 and woke with extraordinary amounts of back pain. thought about possible reasons, concluded bush-walking, humorously compared this to friend’s complaint of similar back pain due to, i think, sex.

things ingested so far while reading: water, fruit and nut chocolate bar, diet coke, whiskey, peas

feeling equal amounts of excitement about reading and eating *more* in as-yet-unspecified amounts.

noticed diet coke smells like ‘ass whiff’. 

imagined ‘ass whiff’ is an icecream flavour.

interested by paul going to parties to find girlfriends and spending other time alone. seems like work/play but play could be confused with biological inclination to find mate. feel opposite inclination when socialising with friends, generally.

have felt low identification with female characters (less so than with Paul) but interested in which character represents megan boyle as read her book something-‘mexican panda express employee’ and felt close affinity with her um, mind. 

became very excited when Paul and Erin listened to ‘Torn’ by Natalie Imbruglia, after this conversation 2 hours previously, when began reading Taipei:

this felt eerie, though non-threatening. hansen didn’t seem excited by this point (he was unaware that the book was taipei, of taiwan, and he is also currently in taiwan, though diff city)

keep reading erin as megan. felt excited to meet megan boyle character, like, ‘yesssssssss’.

surrounded by less furniture and people than normal at home. seems life is cushions snacks mac technology

had a thought today that social interaction seemed like ‘the most basic form of expressing oneself’

felt ‘hugged’ by erin and pauls relationship. haha not sure what that means. it felt like a warm relationship.

sent ‘this is the best thing i have read in, memory’ to a friend with regard to taipei

felt confused by the ending because it didn’t really seem like a ‘finale’ but a brief summation of the feelings paul felt in a short period of time within the last scene, but also acknowledged accumulated drug-use and self- and relationship-analysis as informing last words, which seemed hopeful, but not resolute, to me.

I have stopped the entire bus, causing it to deviate from its natural stop, open doors, passengers embark/disembark schedule, 2 times the past 2 days.
The first time I noticed a girl who dropped her scarf before boarding then boarded so I stood up and lingered at the back door afraid to get off and the bus leave and maybe yelled (earphones) at the girl about her scarf, pointing, and then she yelled at the bus driver, misinterpreting my meaning ‘somebody wants to get off’ and I said no, no scarf and she didn’t seem to speak English so good, and then understood scarf and saw her scarf and jumped off the bus, got it, and re boarded and said ‘thanks’ sort of quiet/non committal and I sat back down and my head was now pounding with a headache from stress maybe.
This morning I was waiting to get off and other people were leaving too because it was the main embarkation/disembarkation stop and then my cord on my hood became tangled in a young mans backpack and I kind of ‘slingshot’ back into the bus, and the doors closed and I yelled (no earphones) to the driver I need to get off, thinking maybe this was extremely rude/demanding phrasing and tone, smiled ‘meekly’ but probably just weird looking stress expression (stresspession?) as he removed the cord and I got off the bus.
I have poured 2 liquids on my face recently while upside down:
Coffee
Nail polish remover.
Felt a kind of satisfaction.

Might detail more things that happen in 2s.

forecast lows turned 3 today (?)

was filming myself making curry.

sat down at table i took from communal/stairwell area in these flats.

saw the clouds in ‘arrow-thru-head-piece’ formation around my head in Photo Booth.

‘forecast lows’

!

styling:

emmie-rae.tumblr.com for cloud deco and good jumper.

forafinedeadsound.tumblr.com for head warming beanie hat.

happy birthday

(Source: assets)

w neutral/natural approach referred to nature as ‘non-reception area’ as non-specific location

put on lipstick because lips are chapped. only have lipstick. thought ‘heart of darkness’ re. hue (nature, me)

experiencing above average abdominal pain today

rock hard calves, electric abdomen

feel acute anxiety re someone following me into the bush

feel anxiety re bee sting, wasp bite, leeches, ticks

‘lesbian walking track’ would seem safe

thought ‘goddamn just want some vista’

feeling very very bad re. bees. lots of bees

‘tree vomit’

feel mild anxiety about something occurring while i am ‘non-receptive’ such as earthquake in japan, my dog dying, family/friend emergency

need to pee

mild fear of meeting other bush walkers while eating and they exclaim ‘who brings goddamn nachos on a bush walk’ and i float myself down the river

just stood up to find somewhere to pee. heard voices of then visible asian couple. first people i have encountered today.

man just said to woman ‘honey its only water’ re. river. little do they know

bird sounds are actually really fucking beautiful. and fast (?)

going bushwalking by yourself is probably not a good idea but feel less like am going to die if i am in control of my faculties than drunk/high

feel much calmer on return walk

keep seeing a pine cone thingy that looks like a dildo

and one that looks like it has little mouths. like a choir of them

had clear thought (pending verbalisation) ‘im glad it didnt rain’ ~15 min later started raining

had clear thought ‘my favourite things are probably waterfalls’ and vague thought ‘wish there was a waterfall’

had clear recognition of train station called waterfall, vague thoughts/feelings about that

desperately need to pee during bush walk in a bucket list kind of way

potentially only injury sustained while peeing

i think the guy next to me at the station is watching youtube videos

but maybe

i feel worried 

that he is watching personal videos of last nights criminal activities or violence or

something really truly scary

and there is someone suffering a lot

somewhere right now

curled up in the shower right now

while the guy next to me watches youtube on his phone

the sounds of american accents and some gunfire

some yelling

the americans sitting next to me

on my other side

with suitcases

are talking loudly and i cant hear details of anything

or concentrate on my book of depressing poetry

that makes me think of depressing possibilites

in detail

in winter i am a second generation chinese australian baby in a pink puffer jacket clutching my dads knees

in winter i am watching an affair between a high-school teacher and a student blossom over hot chocolate

i dont want to think about the price of duffel coats and television and what to have for lunch as viable issues

these issues are found under the heading ‘slow death’

i see words blow out of people as recycle air conditioners

these are poisonous gases

everyone here is as drunk as a period drama

everyone here is cold as a fantasy series

i am opening the windows of the car and taking people to the ocean

i will surgically elongate their tongues to resemble simple minded dogs

in winter they will feel wind run down their tongues like a slippery dip

all of the waste will fly free like a child who identifies gravity in a clear moment of suspension in which they feel freedom and then in the arc downwards they will feel the force of the frown of judgement

in spring i will dribble gollies on your pinky toe

watch a shrub grow from dew

i felt like the sun found us the other day

the sun intrudes on everyones’ love lives every morning

i like reading because it makes me feel quiet, sad, thankful. the trifector. peace.

the part where Mark is blackout drunk, noticed feeling like i was hallucinating the way it was typed on the page and also the words.

felt camaraderie w and anguished by the main character. caring comes in uncontrollable bursts. reflected in my attention and emotional connection to story, though this connection (mine) did not necessarily mirror characters emotional arcs/triggers.